Harry Potter: All Hopes Dashed
by GazzadaSpazza
Summary: Baically this is a roumer smasher with too many happy pills. Read it, it's my work for you!
1. The boy who lived keeps on living

Harry Potter: All hopes dashed.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes I own everything ever made! What? Oh, I'm not dreaming anymore. I only own the plot.  
  
Summery: Welcome to Harry Potter All Hopes Dashed, In which we, my cousin Peter and I, will try to destroy most of the Harry Potter roomers out there with some well launched comedic missiles.  
  
A/N: Well, not much to say from me, and I don't know about peter, since we live about 800kms from one another, with only the occasional MSN chat to see what the other thinks. I share all credit with Peter, and all blame.  
  
Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was going on with what he did best, living. He really was quite a selfish boy when you think about it, going on living when Voldermort had tried to kill him about 5 times already. I mean come on! This boy is a perfect example of a teenaged boy, being so self- centered all the time. Poor Voldermort must be at his wits end, this boy just refuses to do anything his elders tell him to. For example, in his fourth year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Mr Barty Crouch, who was occupying the form of Mr Mad-Eye Moody, politely asked him to "Jump onto the desk", Harry answers back with a "No, I don't think I will," Another example of his disregard for his elders is when Voldermort kindly asked him to "Just answer no," Harry yelled back "I WON'T!" Some other things that mark him as a perfect example of a teenaged boy is the fact that, his parents are dead, he lives with his Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and his cousin Dudley, who he hates, his God-farther is a convicted murderer, he sends letters to his friends by owl post and he studies witchcraft and wizardry at a school called Hogwarts.  
  
Actually... he's not normal at all! Oh my goodness! He's a Freak! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  
  
Harry awoke on his birthday at number 4 Privit Dr.  
  
/Hmmm, / He thought to himself, /Thought I heard someone screaming, oh well. Better let Headwig in, she's been hammering on my window for at-least 5 hours, and those letters and parcels tied to her legs look heavy. Maybe I should have let her in when she first woke me up at 12:30, oh well, /  
  
Harry opened the window, and let her in. She barely made it to the bed before she fainted in a heap. Harry untied the parcels and letters from her leg and flicked through them, before selecting the one from Mrs Weasley. It turned out to be another sweater, Harry opened the draw that contained the other seven from her, and put it in. Harry added the rock cakes from Hagrid to the heap inside his wardrobe (he was conducting an experiment to see how long it took them to start to go moldy, none of them had, even the ones from his first year at Hogwarts.). Harry got a dog-bone from Sirius, (Harry was not suprised, his god-father had been spending a-lot of time in his animagus form, and had evidentially stated to believe that he realy was a dog, and therefor Harry must be one too) From Ginny he got another 'Harry- I'm-madly-in-love-with-you-and-I've-been-trying-to-tell-you' mix tape, From Ron he got a Chudly Cannons poster and from Hermione he got another 'Harry- I'm-not-madly-in-love-with-you-and-I'm trying-to-make-it-obvious' mix tape.  
  
Now there was only one more letter, it was form Hogwarts.  
  
"Ahh, this will be the book list and," he said while opening it, "Yes! The prefect list! Common, pleasebemepleasebemepleasebeme!"  
  
Harry skimmed over the other house lists, Draco wasn't a prefect, and Harry smiled at this fact. Finally he got to Gryffindor.  
  
"Clare Sampson and Michele Douglas? Who the heck are they? Oh, probably just some characters the J.K Rowling added to flesh out the plot a little, no doubt they'll die somewhere along in the book so we'll have a period of mourning. That'll add another couple of chapters to the book, and will be a perfect time to introduce Voldermort's school-based informant," Harry summarized.  
  
Harry looked at the school newsletter, "So this year we'll have a female DATDA teacher named Arabella Figg. Oh! Mrs Figg! Cat lady!"  
  
Harry ran down the stairs and out the door. It wasn't very far to Mrs Figg's house; it never is with these sorts of things. Harry hammered on Mrs Figg's door, and he heard her moving about inside, muttering something about "Damn Jehovah witnesses". She opened the door a crack and saw Harry standing there.  
  
"Wadda you want Harry, I told you, I never saw you're only ever toy your Aunt and Uncle gave you." She growled, her hand darting to a pouch around her neck.  
  
"No, it's nothing about the only ever toy my Aunt and Uncle gave me," Harry said, his eyes filling with tears at the memory of it. It was a small cheap plastic dragon that you find in the boxes of cereal, It had gone missing after Harry brought it to Mrs Figg's to show her one time he was staying with her. Mrs Fig collected them, and only needed the dragon to complete the set, but the makers had stopped producing them, and the Dursly's had bought the last packet, "It's just," Harry's eyes darted around, as if he was checking for spies, "I know your a witch, and that you are going to teach at Hogwarts this year, I came here to congratulate you,"  
  
Mrs Figg's eyes went wide with shock and horror. "You little b---------d! How dare you accuse me of being such an evil thing! I want you off my property this instant!" she screamed.  
  
"Heh, heh, ulp! It was just a joke, um, heh, right. I'll be going now." Harry stammered as he backed away, "Uh, nice talking to you," Harry ran all the way back home, and just got back before his Aunt, Uncle and Cousin woke up.  
  
At breakfast harry asked his Uncle what Mrs Figg's first name was.  
  
"Francine, why do you want to know, boy?" Uncle Vernon barked.  
  
"Just wondered," Harry said, blushing. /How could I have not known that? / He thought.  
  
That's it for now, tell us what you think. My e-mail's superspazz@hotmail.com and I check it daily, so send me any questions comments queries or death-threats, and I'll try and get back to you. Or you could just reply, the buttons down there \/ somewhere. 


	2. Diagon Ally

All Hopes Dashed: Chapter two  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter one, too lazy to type in another one.  
  
Summery: Harry Potter: All Hopes Dashed is a bit of a silly roomer smasher, and it's a place where I can launch a few comedic missiles at our favourite book series, Harry Potter.  
  
A/N: I made the biggest mistake in chapter one, my e-mail address is NOT superspazz@hotmail.com, it is superspazz@bigpond.com. Well, don't I feel like a silly little storywriter! Sorry to all the people who tried to e- mail me and a big thankyou to Jimena who was my sole reviewer. On to chapter two of Harry Potter: All Hopes Dashed (I still share all credit and blame with my cousin, Peter). Peter will be writing the third chapter all on his own, as I wrote these on my own. Here we go!  
  
The rest of the holidays passed without much excitement, The only highlights for Harry was when some representatives from the Ministry of Magic rolled up and put a memory charm on Mrs Figg, so she would forget the whole "I know you're a witch" mistake, Dudly getting his tong stuck in the blender, and getting another 'I'm-not-realy-madly-in-love-with-you-despite- the-tape' mix tape from Ginny.  
Pretty soon there was only two weeks of holidays left, and Harry discovered that shopping doesn't buy itself, you actually need to go shopping and buy it. Some how (we're not telling you, why don't you figure it out for yourself) Harry got to Diagon Ally, which is where all the British Wizards and Witches go to buy their Wizardly and Witchly things.  
  
Just as harry stepped into Diagon Ally he heard a drawling voice coming from his left, "So I told him, it's not a mocha laureate, it's a cappachieno!" then the voice laughed.  
  
Harry was pretty sure he wasn't schizophrenic, but just to verify this Harry looked to his right, and saw no one.  
  
"Criky!" Harry thought, "Not only is my split personality Steve Irwin, I'm schizo!"  
  
"Your split personality may very-well be Steve Irwin, but you are not schizo. It's me, Drako Malfoy! And you interrupted a very amusing conversation me and my friends were having," Harry looked to his left and saw Draco Malfoy, or as Harry liked to call him, Draco Malfoy. With Draco were his two friends Crabb and Goyal, or as Harry liked to call them, Crabb and Goyal.  
  
"You weren't realy telling us a very amusing story," Crabb said slowly, then realized he was slowing down what little plot the story had, so he sped up, "As soon as Harry stepped through that doorway you said 'So I told him, it's mot a mocha laureate, it's a cappachieno!' then laughed, which isn't very funny at all,"  
  
Draco glared at Crabb, who looked ashamed of himself, and shut his mouth, which had been open for at least twenty minutes.  
  
"Come on Crabb, Goyal, lets go," Draco gave Harry one last glare before he Crabb and Goyal walked off (hopefully a cliff!).  
  
Harry walked around a bit; his shopping was literally flying out of the shops and into his arms. It was only after several shopkeepers threatened to curse his arms off, that Harry realized that this was not the right thing to do, so he went back and paid all the shopkeepers.  
  
"Wow!" Harry said to Headwig, "It's only lunchtime and I'm already banned from five shops for life! Including the adult which and wizard store!"  
  
Harry walked to a café for lunch, and, 'oh what a surprise', Ron and Hermione were there.  
  
"Harry!" Ron yelled, as he ran towards Harry to give him a hug.  
  
"I'm not gay Ron," Harry said, stopping Ron.  
  
"So it wasn't you who sent me the flowers, then who could it be?" Ron wondered, Hermione blushed.  
  
"Hermione, did you send me the flowers?" Ron asked.  
  
"No, I most certainly did not!" Hermione said indignantly.  
  
"Then why did you blush?" Harry asked.  
  
"Because Victor's fly is undone," Hermione said, pointing.  
  
Both boys did a 360, then found they were facing Hermione again, so they did a further 720, which found them facing Hermione again. So because Ron isn't very good at maths, they decided to just do a 180, and there stood Victor, a Bulgarian quidditch player, with his fly undone.  
  
"Hello Harry and Ron," Victor said, doing up his fly, "Herm-oh-ninny, I vould like to speak vith you,"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes, "Your accent's gotten worse,"  
  
"Votever, I vould still like to speak vith you" Victor said a little self- consciously.  
  
"Ok," Hermione said, and followed Victor off a little way.  
  
"Wonder what they're talking about," Ron said, rocking on the balls of his feet.  
  
"Hmmm," Harry hummed. You see, Hermione is the brains of the group, Harry and Ron can't carry out intelligent conversation without her.  
  
"Sun's bright," Ron murmured.  
  
"Hmmm," Harry hummed.  
  
"Brain hurt when think too hard" Ron whined  
  
"Hmmm," Harry hummed.  
  
Hermione gave Victor a comforting pat on the arm before coming back to her friends.  
  
"What did Victor want?" Harry asked.  
  
"Oh, nothing," Hermione said, but her blush gave her away.  
  
"Hermione, I know it wasn't nothing," Harry said.  
  
"Yeah, cause if it was nothing, you wouldn't have patted him on the shoulder," Ron said triumphantly.  
  
"No Ron, we know it wasn't nothing because of her blush, as well as the fact that Victor could do nothing by himself, he wouldn't need Hermione for it," Harry explained.  
  
"No," Hermione interrupted, "Because if it was nothing this chapter probably would be too short, and then people reading this fanfic wouldn't leave nice reviews,"  
  
"Ohh," Harry and Ron said together.  
  
"So, what did he want?" Harry asked again.  
  
"Nothing," Hermione said again, blushing.  
  
"Don't start that again!" Ron yelled, clutching at his ears.  
  
"Yeah, because we know that it was something. And we also know that you know that we know that it was something. We also know that you know that we know that you know that we know that it was something. Also, we know that you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that we know it was something, so don't try to deny it!" Harry said triumphantly.  
  
"Your reasoning is staggering," Hermione said sarcastically, but the boys didn't seem to notice. "All right, it was something!"  
"Ah-ha! So it's true that you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that we know it was something!" Harry yelled, pointing at the roof.  
  
"Duh!" said a passing Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Yes!" Yelled Hermione, throwing her arms in the air, then catching them again.  
  
"So what was it?" Ron asked.  
  
"What?" Hermione asked.  
  
"That thing that you know that we know that you know that we know-"Harry started before Hermione's glare cut him off.  
  
"Oh yes, that thing,"  
  
"That you know that we know that you know that we know-"  
  
"SHUT UP HARRY!" Hermione and Ron yelled.  
  
"Well that thing ("That you know that we know that you know that we know") is that Victor asked me out, but I rejected him," Hermione said, glaring at Harry.  
  
"What!" Ron yelled, aghast, "Thou rejected Victor Crumm?"  
  
"Yes, I did," Hermione said looking at him weirdly.  
  
"Thou must jest!"  
  
"I jest not!"  
  
"Yes thou must!"  
  
"No I don't"  
  
"Yes thou must!"  
  
"Enough!" Yelled Harry, "No more Shakespeare, ok?"  
  
They nodded, looking at the floor.  
  
"Ron, it is possible for people not to do everything Victor asks,"  
  
"I'd do it if he asked me out!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"That's because you're weird," Harry said, patting Ron on the shoulder, "And Hermione, why didn't you just tell us?"  
  
"Because I was afraid something like this would happen!" Hermione yelled, before marching off.  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other for a moment, then they ran off after her.  
  
Ok, there it is, chapter two of Harry Potter: All Hopes Dashed. Send all questions, comments, suggestions and death threats to superspazz@bigpond.com. Peter will be writing chapter three, but he will be using his identity, thezaniak or the_zaniak, I forgot. His e-mail addy is the_zaniak@hotmail.com . 


End file.
